Controlling habits come from a lack of self-worth. When you allow controlling habits to dominate your life, you don’t only break yourself, but you also end up breaking the people around you. In this episode, Elizabeth Barry helps you to detect this pattern in your life. She also offers vital tools on how you can let go of destructive, controlling habits. Tune in and discover how you can feel balanced, strong, and free!
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Master Your Controlling Habits
Lessen Your Reactions
This is the show that allows you as an adult to reflect upon and step into your personal accountability, responsibility, maturity levels, and accountability as an authentic person rather than being tortured. Maybe even pushed or prodded along by the ego, telling you that you need to be right and you need to justify. We’re harping on those qualities. We’re going to open ourselves up like a flower. We’re going to unravel those layers. For those of you who are controlling and are reacting, and you’re asking yourself, why am I so controlling? Why do I react so much? Because there’s a pattern.
There’s a cyclical pattern that happens with that. The pattern is you react and then the people around you may run. You may even run yourself. What happens thereafter is regret, pain, anguish, sadness, and all of these things. If you don’t stop that pattern, if you’re not aware of that pattern, if you don’t put the tools into place with that pattern of reaction or trying to control everyone, including yourself, it’s going to repeat. Relationships break down, your heart breaks down, your business breaks down, clients and maybe it’s your coworker.
In this episode, we’re going to talk about the tools and the tips to activate the highest self within you, to activate your authentic self versus listening to the ego, versus listening to that mind chatter and the monkey mind that makes you think that you’re not good enough, makes you have imposter syndrome, makes you react in uncontrollable ways where people tend to like you a little bit less. I’m sure that if you’re reading this and you are controlling and reacting, you can read the room. You can read your partner, your lover, your spouse, your husband, your wife.We can change who we are at any age and any level. Click To Tweet
You can read the room in your office if people are looking at you and thinking, “This person doesn’t let anyone have a word in.” You’re controlling if you are thinking about the ways that you react, whether with your verbal or nonverbal communications and people are getting upset. You have to recognize that reacting to other people is suffocating them. It’s suffocating yourself. You’re feeling pain and anguish, sadness, all of those things that you should not be feeling because we are here. We are placed on this earth for happiness and for health. We are not placed on this earth for anything less.
I believe in you, I believe in changing who we are at any age and at any level. A lot of people will say, “This is who I am. This is me at 50, 60, and 40.” That’s a bunch of BS. With personal development and coaching, I’m an executive coach. I coach a lot of beautiful people from their 40s through their 60s. They’re seeing and hearing some of their patterning for the first time in their lives. They’re changing the way that they are. For all my controllers and all my reactors, this is for you. I do have several tools that you can find in my book. If you like this episode, please visit TheKindCommunicator.com, click on books and get yourself a self-development package. It includes four books from loving relationships to communication, to habits and patterning, as well as the personalities to take on your highest self and to be the highest and the best you that you can be.
What Is Control?
What is control? What is the idea of control and how can we get out of it? I want you to imagine control as a circle. You could take both of your hands right now and make two Cs with your right hand and your left hand. Move the fingers a little bit and place those two Cs together. Now you have a circle. If you’re making a circle, your thumbs are touching and your pointer, your middle, your ring finger, and your pinky are touching too. We’re making a ball with our hands. This is the circle of control. I’m thinking of this circle of control that has two Cs.
If you’d take your hands and if they’re glued together, open up the fingers gently and keep them apart for a moment, and look at your hands. They still have both of those Cs. The C that’s coming from your left hand is the control that you have on others. These are the people that try to control everyone else. They see that you have in your right hand is the control that you have on yourself. You’re trying to control yourself in everything that you do. Put them together, putting the hands together creates this cycle. This circle goes around and around. You’re trying to control yourself. You’re trying to control other people and you’re making yourself and others dizzy because of it. This is a cyclical negative constant pattern.
Control and demand is a cyclical pattern. It creates fear in other people. It creates fear in yourself and that circle of control is easy to remember. It’s a fun hack. I love to do analogy. If you want to remember yourself in a state of being controlling, think of your hands and have to Cs curving the hands, and then put them together and think, “That’s my circle of control. I got to break this cycle.” Another way to think about control is when you’re trying to control other people, and you’re also trying to control yourself, it’s like a tug of war game. In this tug of war game, you have both sides of the rope. You’re not even giving anybody else a chance to speak.
You’re not giving anybody else a chance to respond or have their say. You’re trying to control it. Think about when we were in 6th grade, it was field day, and we were trying to do the tug of war with both teams. It was a ton of people on this side and a ton of people on that side. Let me tell you, my controllers and reactors, you’re the one on both sides. You’re the only person controlling that tug of war. No one’s going to win at that game, especially not you. If you’re tugging for yourself and you’re tugging for others, that’s when you know you have to let go.
Letting go is not easy. In my book, Design Your Mind To Be Kind, I talk about the master of letting go. It’s one of the habits to embody your highest self and talk about, what are we letting go of? When we have a lot of control, there’s a real underlying fear of rejection. There’s a lot of fear that comes around with the idea of control. Control walks into your life because the ego wants to have in its course, in its grasp everything so that rejection doesn’t happen to you. It’s the ego forcing you to believe that you have control because if you don’t control, you won’t be rejected, you won’t be this, you won’t be that. That’s just the lies of the ego. That’s because you’re pushing yourself too far too much. The problem with that is you’re also pushing someone else. You’re might be pushing someone else away from you further and further away, whether it’s your partner, your business colleagues, your friends, or even yourself in your own reflection.Control is coming from a lack of self-worth. Click To Tweet
That’s why we’re going to be looking at some of the patterns here of what controlling and reacting means to you as well as how to get out of that pattern, and realizing that it can be suffocating and debilitating to other people. The other thing I think about with control is that when we’re trying too hard to control everyone else. This might sound a little embarrassing, but there’s a lack of personal power. There’s something missing when you’re trying to control and demand. When you’re so reactive, you’re in this state of unknowing yourself. Your inner self has a lacking there. If you think about energy in general, it rolls a bunch of energy. Every person has a lot of vibrating parts to us, particles and molecules that make up who we are. If there’s a lack there of energy inside of you, there’s this uneasy feeling. To control that lack thereof, there’s this intense loss-ness. There’s this gut of, “My emotions are going to be in control all the time. I need to control and demand,” because there’s something missing in there.
When you know that you’re controlling or trying to control all sides of things from work to people, relationships, kids, yourself, it’s time to let go of those emotions. It’s time to step out of that cyclical circular cycle. How do we do that? When you think about the gut, when you think about those gut feelings that make you feel icky and yucky on the inside and are causing you to react. Control is coming from a lack of self-worth. This might be a little bit embarrassing, but this is where the work comes in. Stay with me here. Self-worth and self-esteem are in the solar plexus area. Control takes the place of your self-esteem. It pushes that self-esteem away, and inside of that solar plexus area, which is between the navel and the solar plexus region in the body, that’s where the gut feels. That’s when you feel that uneasy feeling, when you’re realizing, I’m trying to control everyone or I’m reacting and people are running away.
Solar Plexus Chakra
The Solar Plexus Chakra, if you know about chakras of the bodies, there are seven main chakras that we as yogis and meditation teachers talk about. The chakra of the solar plexus gives us a beautiful yellow color called the Manipura Chakra. This chakra is where our power, our self-esteem, and our strength lives and vibrate. That chakra of spinning energy, that energy wheel of yellow, beautiful sun shiny light, it wants to have that self-esteem. You want to be respected and trusted. When you’re balanced, you feel strong, you feel mentally strong, you feel healthy and confident. That’s when the solar plexus is filled not so much with negative energy, but the good energy that is filled with confidence, so that you don’t have to feel you control everything else. With an unbalanced, you’re going to feel weak, you might feel a little bit guilty, you might react based on guilt, you might be fatigued, and have low self-esteem and maybe even a little bit of worthlessness. There’s certainly going to be a lack of good energy there.
In the solar plexus area, that’s our gut feeling. It’s located between the navel and the solar plexus. You can take your hands and put them around your navel and your solar plexus. You maybe rub your hands around that area and give a little bit of self-love to that area. I wouldn’t feel embarrassed about doing some of these activities of touching ourselves or feeling good. This is where vulnerability enters the body. This is where the mind, the heart, and the spirit connect. We’re no longer controlled by the ego telling us to feel silly or do self-love tasks such as rubbing our bellies.
Getting Out Of The Habit
This is a way to get out of the habit. How do we get out of the habit of controlling, demanding, and reacting? I look at it as having two sets of a stick. On one end of the stick is your controlling and reactive self. On the other end is this soft person that is being, that is free, that feels good. If you hold up both of your hands right now at shoulder distance, you’ll see, “That’s the length of that stick.” We might feel that the happy freedom part of who we wish to be is so far away from the controlling and demanding person that we are. I’m going to tell you, the space between them is not so far as you think.
One of the ways to get out of this controlling habit is to pay attention to your language. I brand myself as the kind communicator. I love the envelopment of learning about communication. One of the habits of being a reactor and a controlling person is being a victim, playing a victim, playing small, using victim language, feeling like a victim. Victim speak sounds a little bit as if you’re blaming someone else. You’re blaming people except for yourself. You’re trying to control everyone else, but finding you’re the one spinning out of control. This is when you have to say, “Slow down.” Let me put my hands on my solar plexus and rub my tummy a little bit and come back into control, come back into my self-esteem. Pay attention to your victim language. Pay attention to how you’re speaking to people. Another thing to do if you want to get out of that victim speak is to start setting realistic goals for yourself. These are goals that you can achieve.
Even if you write on a sticky note to yourself before meaning and before a conversation with a loved one, don’t react. It’s as simple as taking a sharpie, putting it on a sticky note, and saying, “Don’t react.” That’s a realistic goal to set. If you are a reactor, you can achieve that goal. You can feel good about engaging in positive activity with the mind when you start to teach the mind that you’re doing these things. Do you know why? Because approach and habits can be fixed. They can be fixed at the moment and it might not happen. It might not have in the 1st or the 5th or the 15th time, but it might happen in the 25th time. Once you start changing those habits and engaging in more positivity within the mind, the way that you speak, and the way that you act, it will start to become a positive habit. Those controlling and reacting habits that you used to have in the past will be diffused. Stop the victim language, start to set realistic goals, and balance yourself, feel that balance between significance and sincerity.
I’d like to think of significance as if you take both of your hands and clench them really tightened two fists. This is hanging on to somebody. I think about eagle’s claws right now like big eagle claws grasping and holding tightly significance. Significance is in the mind, “I need to be great, I need to be seen as good, I need to be first, I need to be right, I need to be the best, I need to be perfect.” That is significant. That is that clenching clasp in your hands, and it’s all in your head. It’s all in your head needing to be right, to justify, be first, be perfect, and be great. That’s all in your head, so let go. Take your fists and open them up. They say that an open hand is an extension of an open heart. If you balance your significance with sincerity, which comes from the heart and it comes from the spirit. Sincerity is a feeling and emotion that comes from freedom, freeness, and loving energy.A solutions-based thinker or speaker is not going to blame people. They're going to find solutions at the moment. Click To Tweet
Now, you can balance and marry both sincerity and significance. You can feel important, but you’re not holding on too tightly to that importance so that you’re less controlling, you’re less reactive, and you’re less demanding. There’s a portion of many of my books, including The Kind Communicator and Design Your Mind To Be Kind, I believe it’s also in Heaven on Eleven & The Little Love Book. The Little Book of Love is 99 pages that’s pretty much base on standards versus expectations. One of the positive habits that we can put into place is changing our expectations with having a higher standard.
That will help you become less reactive and controlling. How do we do that? An expectation is something that always lets us down, and expectation is something that happens outside of us. It happens outside of our control. When we’re trying to control everything, remember that tug of war, remember your two Cs, and then the results happen and it’s not in your favor. Your expectations were so high, you feel let down. Change the expectation to a high standard so that when you are let down, you can say, “That was a part of my standard.”
I’m going to raise my standard to say, “I’m not going to react like this. I’m going to react in a different way. I’m going to breathe.” Instead of reacting or getting upset, we’re changing our expectations to a higher standard. That’s being a person that chooses to be a source of grace, choosing to choose love and kindness, and our higher power. That sincerity comes back in where you honor yourself. You respect yourself and in turn, receive more respect from other people. You’ll find that when you use these tools and when you’re a person that is dedicated and committed to becoming less controlling and demanding, more people won’t run from you.
People will take your calls. They will be nicer to you. You’ll be more likable. You’ll be less controlling and more being. Let’s start to be in a being mode. Be in a state of being rather than doing or trying. Catch yourself also when you’re using too much of the language, “I’m trying.” Take that out of your vocabulary right now. Instead of saying, “I’m trying,” because “I’m trying” will go into the subconscious of who you are. You’ll consistently be in that constant state of trying instead of being. Instead of saying, “I’m trying,” catch yourself, fly above and say, “I am. I will.” Be in a state of being instead of trying or doing.
Slow down and become a solutions-based thinker. A solutions-based thinker and speaker is not going to blame people. Those are not going to push people away. They’re going to find solutions in the moment, in the present with a solution-based attitude, you will speak from the highest place. You’ll speak with sincerity rather than needing significance, which is needing to be right. Changing your language to this inner strength, and this tone of respect, integrity and dignity will take you from victim to hero. These are some of the tools and tips that I’m giving you to start your journey on the things that will get you your balance back. If you want to be a bit more balanced adult, more mature adult, honoring yourself with worthiness embodying in our peace and contentment, that’s going to bring your confidence level back up. That’s going to bring your hands back to rubbing the solar plexus area and welcoming the chakra color that’s a spinning wheel of yellow light. It’s going to deliver personal and professional happiness. It’s going to bring balance to your love and your relationships. It’s going to help you be more of you and less of who you used to be, or think you need to be.
It’s going to help you be happier, healthier, better, less rigid, less defining of what’s wrong and more focused on what’s right, less inner mind chatter, less narrative of everything is wrong, everything is never ending, “I’m never going to be able to do this.” That’s self-judgment. That judgment of others needs to be let go of. Let go of the rope in the tug of war that you’re having with yourself, other people, and situations. When you let everything be, you leave the emotion and you leave all of those terrible emotions that are taking place in that beautiful spot in your navel and your solar plexus, you’re left with the reality. The reality is that you want to be a better person. You want to be a person that is a magnet, a leader, a lover, a kind soul that is direct.
I hope that this episode inspired you to bring the shoulders down, breathe a little bit deeper, and be a little bit more likable. The next book that I’m finishing is called Lead by Example. The circumstances of your life do not define you, your behavior does. The Kind Communicator philosophy it’s about being likable. It’s about teaching leaders how to like themselves. You have a choice within the way that you communicate. You can choose a breakdown or a breakthrough at any moment in your life and at any age.
Mindfulness coaching and consulting, whether you’re a business leader, an entrepreneur, or a person looking to be less reactive and more balanced in your life, is going to create, especially if you work on this stuff and you’re in your midlife, it’s going to leave you at least 40 more years of feeling good until your 90s and 100s, which I hope you live until your 100s. I hope that you’re sitting on your porch with a cup of spiked ice tea when you’re over 100 listening to some good music. The patterning, the conditions, the societal demands or also known as baggage of your life do not have to stay. You do not have to be the controlling and reactive person that you once were.
You can change with this show. I do have a beautiful and effective four months coaching program where you get access to me once a week with written follow-ups that keeps you in check and helps you realign your energy. It develops optimism and positivity in who you are as a person. With any habit, there’s always a chance to replace it with something good. I believe in that and I believe in you. Thank you for sharing this time with me. Life begins where ego ends and ego certainly is very controlling, demanding, and reactive. Now, you’re going to choose not to. Be balanced, be you and be free. Thank you.
- Design Your Mind To Be Kind
- The Kind Communicator
- Heaven on Eleven & The Little Love Book
- Lead by Example
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